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In this article I will show you a simple methodology you can use to restore damaged relationships. Relationships can be injured for many reasons and a bad relationship can mean major problems in projects and Information Technology endeavors. For this reason, you should find a method to heal the wounds of a damaged relationship and move forward. This methodology will give you just such a method.
To help you remember the methodology more easily, I have formed the six parts into a simple acrostic: - Reside
- Exemplify
- Listen
- Ask
- Tell
- Encourage
As you can see, the six parts spell the word RELATE. This method is all about relating to the other person. Seeing things from their perspective. Understanding their point of view.
To best understand this method, let's look at an example scenario:
John has just finished writing the last line of code for the new Sales Force Automation software he has been working on. The project has run over time and budget and this has caused a high level of frustration for Amy the sales manager. Amy and John started off in a very friendly manner, but as the project has progressed the relationship has become almost hostile.
John blames Amy because she keeps adding to the specifications and Amy blames John because she thinks all those things were supposed to be in the software to begin with. The reality is, as an outsider looking in, it's clear that both parties are partly to blame.
Now John needs Amy to give the final GO to the software before rollout. He has left three messages for Amy and she isn't returning his calls. It's time to RELATE.
Let's see how the six parts fit together in this example.
ResideThe first step to restoring this relationship between John and Amy is a physical visit to Amy's office by John. While you cannot be there physically in every situation, it is the best starting point to a resolution.
John could also continue calling until he actually gets Amy on the phone. If she has caller ID and knows when he is calling, he should go to another person's desk and place the call.
It might seem simple, but you can't resolve a communication breakdown unless you're there. This is why the first step is to reside. Don't ignore the problem as if it will magically go away. Acknowledge the problem exists by addressing it.
ExemplifyBe an example. Do you want the other person to be friendly? Show yourself friendly. A wise king once said, “A man who has friends must show himself friendly.” How true it is.
The real focus of this part of the RELATE method is maintaining control of your own emotions and attitudes. Keep a good attitude. Keep a friendly attitude and you'll greatly increase your odds of resolving the conflict.
When John visits Amy's office or reaches her by phone, he must ensure that his tone of voice and posture reflect a good and open attitude. If you are physically present, avoid crossing your arms. During a phone call, avoid crossing your arms – verbally. Don't speak in a condescending tone of voice. Be an example of how you want the communications process to transpire.
ListenEntire books have been written on this one word. The reason is simple. Most of us are very poor listeners.
Here are a few tips to increase your listening skills:
- If you're present with the individual, maintain eye contact 80+ percent of the time.
- Restate or paraphrase what they are saying at opportune times.
- Lean toward the individual while maintaining a comfortable distance (usually 24-36 inches minimum).
AskIt's amazing how simple it is to please most people. We think they want the bank when all they want is one dollar. We think they want the impossible when all they want is the simple.
The point is: ask. Ask the individual what it would take for them to be satisfied with the situation. In John's case, he might ask:
“Amy, I really want to work this out with you. What would it take to satisfy your needs in relation to this project so we can work better together?”
As you can see, this question would be very powerful. You'll seldom run into an individual who asks for the world. If they do ask for the world, you'll still simply move to the next step and tell them what you can do.
TellAfter you've asked what the individual wants, it's time to tell them what you can do. For example, let's say Amy's response to John's question from above is:
“I guess I just need to feel in-the-loop. Throughout this process, I've assumed certain things and they just weren't true. I wish you would have told me in the beginning so I wouldn't have over-committed to my team.”
Here's what John might tell Amy:
“I can certainly understand how you feel. I'd probably feel the same if I were in your position. Here's what I can do. I can recommend to Susan (the IT director) that we investigate adding the new features you desire in a service update before the next release. This way we could get the features in the system within four months and your reps will have what you've promised. Does that sound fair?”
Great answer, John. Notice how John left the final decision to Amy. Most people would accept an offer like this. If you run into an individual who doesn't want to accept your initial offer, go back to the Ask phase and start again.
EncourageOnce the other party has accepted your offer to bridge the communication chasm, it's time to wrap up the conversation. Your closing comments should be geared toward assurance and confidence.
Here's how John could end the conversation assuming Amy accepted the offer given previously:
“Amy, I'm glad we were able to work this out. I'll talk this over with Susan this afternoon. I don't think there will be any objections on her part, but I'll let you know the results of our conversation as soon as we're finished. I'll make certain you're kept in the loop all the way. Is there anything else I can do for you to help you out now?”
More often than not Amy would say no and thank John. The communication barrier has been removed. Amy and John can now continue working together in harmony.
SummaryIn summary, to restore broken communications, you must learn to relate to the other person. Reside or be there instead of ignoring the problem and make certain that your attitude is positive and friendly as you enter communications with the other party by exemplifying the attitude you want them to have. Listen to the other party fully and then ask what you can do to make things right. Wrap up the conversation or meeting by telling them what you can do and then encouraging them with words of assurance and confidence.
The next time you sense that communications are breaking down, remember to RELATE. Tom Carpenter is the Senior Consultant and Trainer with SYSEDCO. SYSEDCO provides communication skills training for technology groups throughout the United States and customer service training for technology and non-technology groups. Tom Carpenter develops and delivers training classes on Wireless and Windows technologies as well as IT Project Management and self-development skills. To learn more about our training programs, visit our services section here at the website.
This article may be reprinted as long is it is unchanged in content and the following byline is added to the reprint:
Tom Carpenter is the Senior Consultant with SYSEDCO. He is the author of multiple books on modern technologies and professional skills for technologists. To book him for a speaking event, visit the company website at www.SYSEDCO.com.
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